Growing up?

The last couple of months have been kind of exhausting. I am finally poking my head up for air as the assignments have turned from “this week you will cover these five chapters” to “here is the study guide for the final exam.” My last two exams are in two days. I have to work tomorrow. I have one last writing assignment that I just don’t want to bother with, because I think I can pass the class without it. That’s how tired I am; I would be content to pass.

I have become an adult. I can tell by the things I am concerned with. Once upon a time it was “aw, man, I have to get up at 6am for PT.” These days, I am concerned about getting approved for the loan that will let us get through another year of nursing school on part-time employment. I am worried about the new baby on the way, and keeping the one-year-old clothed and fed.

Yesterday I was looking at a list of cool internet memes and I saw this thing where an Australian hurdler was doing a sort of warm-up dance right before a race. She was bouncing and waggling her hips while her pony tail flipped behind her. It was breathtaking. What shocked me most was that I didn’t look at that beautiful, athletic young woman with lust. I just appreciated how innocent and lovely she looked, playing with her finely-tuned instrument. Have I really outgrown the biggest problem area of the last twenty years of my life? Have I gotten that old?

I washed dishes, laundry, and even vacuumed today, but it wasn’t enough. I am glad I did those things, because they helped my wife, but there were still dishes left to do when the day was done. There is always more work to be done. There is always more homework to be completed, more chapters to study, more trash to take out, or messes to clean. It never ends. This is life as an adult.

My wife vacillates between nausea and exhaustion. That’s pregnancy. I can’t blame her for the unending mess around the house. Some of it I create.

I bought a lottery ticket. I saw the lottery was up to $400 million. Imagine that. A million dollars is enough for a lifetime. Four hundred million… I could buy a big house with lots of rooms, hire a maid and a chef, buy an airplane, learn to fly it, and travel the world. I would never fear having enough food for my wife and children. No, my big concern would be what charities to invest for.

The funny part of my lottery story is that I bought my ticket for the wrong lottery. Powerball and Mega Millions are not the same thing.

I am 36 years old, and I dream of financial security.

“But, your dream,” You say, “It’s not Biblical…”

Yeah. Rich man, eye of needle, I remember. Lilies of the field, I know. It’s not on my shoulders. God provides. However, understand the context that this is the guy who at 18 packed a backpack of clothes and a skateboard and flew to San Francisco with $25 in his pocket to start his own life. I was homeless for about three weeks then, and again several months later when I lost my job and didn’t find a new one right away. I can’t do that anymore. Not with a wife and children.

I am grateful for the wife He gave me. I am grateful for the child He blessed us with. I am grateful for the one to come. I am grateful that we always have had enough, and that I believe He will continue to provide amply for our needs.

We made turkey pot pies for dinner. I saw my wife making gravy to go in the pie, and she was doing it “wrong.” I left the room rather than criticize. I am grateful that I learn and do a little better now and then. We ate huge portions of dinner together while watching TV. Somewhere in the world, children are dying of starvation or working in sweat shops. I can’t fix it. Sometimes just being kind to my wife is too much for me to manage.

Father, forgive me for thinking $400 million dollars would bring peace and security to my life. Forgive me for wanting peace and security instead of the life you have given me. Help me to always have grace and loving-kindness to share with the people in my life, just as you always have for me. Please help me to lessen the suffering of people in need, if it be your will. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Patience

Recently I was trying to fly home with my wife and child. We got on the first plane fine, but the second flight was delayed, and then delayed some more, and then further delayed, before finally being cancelled. During the delays I went and stood in line to ask if we would still make our last connection to get home. After they cancelled the flight, they asked us all to line up if we wanted to try to get on the next flight instead, so we did. I was the first one in line when they finally called out that all seats had been filled. They boarded the next flight, and then kicked everyone off a while later due to a possible fuel leak. So, they had two planeloads of people (including me) lining up to see what flight they could be put on, and when they might be able to head home. If you can imagine a line of over 200 people stretching from the little desk with the two people who could help, all the way down the hall of the airport past the next couple gates…

During all of these times I was standing in line, there was a woman standing with me who was travelling with her daughters. She was one of those very verbal people. She was getting progressively more frustrated with the failure of the two people at the desk to help us, or get more agents in to help us faster. Throughout it all, she kept commenting on how patient and peaceful I was being.

At the time, I was thinking of how very many people there were who needed help, and how these two people would have to work for hours to get through every person. I thought about how awful I would feel looking down that massive line and knowing that my partner and I were going to have to fix all of it. I knew some of the people were angry, and some might even yell. I looked at myself and thought; yelling is not going to help. Yelling is not going to make those two poor agents work faster or try harder. If anything, it will alienate them and make them give up. I would hate to be doing their job right now.

Thinking back on it now, I realize that God is the creator and sustainer of the entire universe, and that there is no way he is unaware of me, sitting in an airport, waiting for my flight home. If there is a delay, if things are not going as planned, He knows.

God has plans for us, and they trump our plans. I wanted to go to medical school, but I didn’t get accepted. I applied to nursing school and even though I was not finished with the prerequisite classes, I still got an acceptance letter almost immediately. I think of that as a little miracle, a little evidence of God’s plan for me, because I know that nursing schools get so many applications that they typically expect an applicant to have all of their prerequisites done before they apply.

The next time things are going wrong, and your plans are failing, don’t despair, don’t get angry, and don’t yell at people. God is in charge, and while his plan is often not our plan, it is always better. Besides, customer service people don’t respond any better to yelling than you or I do.

Why I believe in God, Part 2

I have a BA in Biology with a minor in Chemistry. I don’t say this to in any way imply I am an expert. I am not a scholarly person. I don’t like to read journal articles or do research for publishing. The study of life is just something I love, and my experience in the field colors my worldview.
One of my favorite parts of biology has been studying the microscopic side of life. Proteins are pretty fascinating, even if you have to learn a specialized language to discuss them. Form and function are intertwined, as they often act like locks and keys, and a malformed protein just doesn’t work. Cells are the smallest unit of life. To date, we cannot take a bunch of proteins, stick them together in the right configuration, and make a live cell. Life only comes from life. So, how did life begin?
Science has tried to answer that question with theories. One popular theory is that there were a lot of organic molecules floating about in seawater billions of years ago, and that by chance they all came together in just the right way to produce a living cell.
I really dislike that theory. I like to think of the cell as a thing of irreducible complexity, because if you really get down to it, even a cell is far more complex than you would imagine. Cells contain organelles, which are like tiny analogs to organs we see in people and animals. Cells have mitochondria that produce energy, ribosomes that create proteins, a whole network of microtubules and microfilaments that provide structural support and allow transport within the cell… Cells are far from simple.
Take the simple act of eating. A cell eats by surrounding its food, engulfing it in cell membrane so that the food becomes trapped inside the cell. Just the act of surrounding and engulfing a molecule takes a complex mechanism of support tubules that move the insides of the cell around the object and special proteins that allow the cell membrane to break selectively to create a sphere around the object without letting the contents of the cell leak out into the surrounding seawater. See, when a cell breaks open and leaks, It tends to die.
Rather than write a huge thing about cell workings, let’s just stop at “cells are irreducibly complex” and if you want to argue, use the comment section or send me an email.
Another theory is that the origin of life was some other planet, like Mars. Of course, that just defers the question without answering it. If life began on Mars, how did it begin?
Faith is the belief in what cannot be proven. Therefore, a person who says life began (insert theory here) is, short of the invention of time travel and subsequent study of the actual origin of life, expressing faith.
If you really want to irk a scientist, tell them that short of irrefutable evidence, the theory of evolution is a matter of faith. They can’t prove that evolution is the origin of species. They just have faith.
As I said at the beginning, I love biology. Psalm 19 says, “The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.” Romans 1:20 says, “For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse.”
I love the study of life, but whether your love is the heavens above, the earth below, math, science, art, or anything at all, you can see the glory of God in all of it if you look, because He created everything.

Why I believe in God, part 1

Romans 5:8 talks about God’s perfect love for us, in that while we were sinners (enemies of God) he sent his son (his most precious and beloved) to die (paying the price of sin) so that we could be redeemed from our sinfulness.

For me, the sacrifice of Christ, while powerful, is a distant thing. It’s like the uncle you never met dying. It should mean something, but it has little impact on my everyday life. What made God real for me in a practical, everyday sense, and thus firmly cemented my relationship with God, was meeting and marrying my wife.

I can’t really put words to the importance of my wife. I can’t sum her up, because almost all of what she is and does matters, and it’s too much to put words to. She is a woman who gives of herself to me. She supports me (and has even been known to defend me, embarrassingly enough) and gives me comfort and strength. She inspires me to pursue my nobler ideals and turn away from my sinful desires. Rather than nagging, she just defers to me, letting me lead on my own terms. She is faithful and loving, and without her I would not be the man I am.

There is no doubt in my mind that my wife is a gift given to me by God. We have been brought together by little miracles. We met in a military school where dating was not allowed, yet we quietly dated for two months without issue. Her parents said no, we couldn’t get married because I was not a practicing Christian, but then sent us to talk to her pastor who said he would be glad to marry us, and then convinced her parents. I found out I was getting deployed, so we got married a week later in a ceremony thrown together entirely by volunteers from her church. It was brief but beautiful. She got deployed within weeks of me, and we managed to get stationed on the same base in Iraq for nine months, and were even allowed to live together. Our second deployment we transferred to the same unit and worked hand in hand for the whole year. God has kept us together.

What really gets me about my wife is that as wonderful as she is, and as much as we love each other, her love for me is but a fleeting shadow of God’s love for me. She is a daily reminder of God’s perfect love. This amazing woman who tells me she loves me, and respects me, and says sure, she will give up everything and move to Alaska or Puerto Rico with me, follow me wherever I lead just to be there with me, is nowhere near the perfect love of God.

Her love changed my life.

God’s love changed my soul.

Matthew 7:9-11 says, “Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? ¹¹ If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”

I thank God for the good gift of a wife, a partner who shares my life and reminds me of God’s love for me. While I was yet a sinner, God reached out to me and gave me a precious gift to guide me back to him.

Rough Month

It’s been a rough month for us financially. We are living off our savings while I attend nursing school. My wife quit her job because they were treating her pretty badly, so our only income at the moment is National Guard pay.

A couple weeks ago our washer broke. Front-loaders apparently have a five to seven year lifespan. We replaced it with a top-loader. Then we went to visit my wife’s parents. I spent a bit more there than I should have, making them a nice dinner. On the way back our flight was cancelled, so we had to stay in a hotel. The airline wouldn’t even comp us, because the cancellation was due to weather.

Next our refrigerator stopped working. We threw out a lot of the contents (Milk, eggs, etc…) because by the time we noticed, the freezer was halfway defrosted and the refrigerator contents were warm. I ran out and bought a cheap chest freezer to save the frozen stuff. The repair guy came and replaced a relay, so we bought new milk and eggs and lunch meats. Next day, the whole thing was warm again, so the repair guy came back out and declared the compressor bad, which means I had to run out and buy a new refrigerator.

I am thankful for my military discount, and for the providential sale on just the sort of refrigerator I wanted. I am thankful we have the funds to manage all these purchases, when some people would be devastated by the loss of a $400 appliance.

I try to remember in all this that it is not my money, but God’s, and that it is not my strength that feeds my family, but God’s providence. Still, with almost two thirds of our savings gone, I am nervous about getting through the rest of the year, and what will happen when my classes end in December. I still have to take the NCLEX LPN exam before I can be hired as a LPN. I think they only make about $15 an hour, so my income is not going to be very good until I get through another year and take the RN exam.

Well, God will see us through.

Why does God allow bad things?

People ask, “If God is good, and all powerful, why does he allow bad things to happen?” It’s a logical, sensible question. I would like to posit a few answers to that question.

First, if there was only God, and no evil, or if God prevented any evil from ever occurring, there would be no faith and no choice.

Second, we are responsible for our actions. If God made a habit of intervening, we would be stripped of responsibility for the choices we make. We would say “Oh, I hit so and so because he annoyed me, but God didn’t intervene, so it is His fault so and so got hurt.” One can logically extend the idea of responsibility to encompass the people who check our airplanes for faults before we fly, and the ones who choose to throw a cigarette butt out of their car window and inadvertently start a wildfire. I think it also covers those who choose to live on a fault in California, or on the coast during hurricane season. We don’t know it all, we are far from perfect, and we screw up. Hopefully, we learn from our mistakes.

That brings us to my last reason. We are called to look out for one another. God said he had good works for us to do (Ephesians 2:10). In a world without accidents, tragedy, sin, or death, where would our good works be? How could God use us as tools to support and love each other?

“Well, why does my beloved have to die, then?” You ask? God does not look at death like we do. We see it as an end. He sees it as a beginning. We miss our loved ones. He welcomes them home. I have felt God in my life as the kindest, gentlest shepherd guiding me. I have committed sins that hurt the hearts of those closest to me, and even when He should have struck me down with righteous anger, He has gently pointed out to me that I was wrong, and led me to the right way. Perhaps I should talk about that some time. My point is that God loves you, and wants the best for you. Sometimes that means you have to have pain in your life, like when a drug addict hits rock bottom, so that you can learn that the way you are going is wrong. Sometimes pain is what drives us to accomplish great things, like building a battered women’s shelter, or curing a disease. Sometimes the pain in your life is so someone else around you can learn from you, or  learn to help you. It’s not always about you. But please, if you are having a rough time, please understand that God is right there, with you, helping you along. We are never abandoned, never alone.

Forgive me

I think it takes a special kind of arrogance to believe that your thoughts are worthy of other people’s attention. I hope that what I write here will be of use to someone, and pray that God will help me speak the truth in love, as we are meant to. May He bless and keep you.